Braxton Taylor
Dear Dr. Emma, I am tired of reestablishing life every time we move. It seems like I spend most of my life reinventing my circle of friends, my career and my sense of self-worth. I love my husband, but I’m not sure how much more I can take of military life. Is there any way I can hold on to my identity even though it feels like everything I do is in service to his career? If there isn’t, is divorce the only way I can preserve my sense of self? — Trying to Hold On
Dear Trying,
I have moved 12 times in my life — some as a military spouse and some not. And still, even with move No. 12, I was surprised by how difficult, disruptive and quietly brutal it was. You’d think it would get easier with experience. Logistically? Perhaps. But emotionally? Not so much. So when I say I understand, I mean it in the marrow-deep way of someone who’s been there.
Reading your letter reminded me of my own attempts to be the model spouse. My partner was an E-5 infantry Marine. I was an “older” spouse with a career and no children — an oddity, it seemed, in that community. During one of his many pre-deployment trainings, I found myself deeply lonely.
It was the kind of lonely that makes you question all of your decisions. The kind of lonely that feels more self-critical than depressing. The kind of lonely where you can’t call anyone, because your best friend just had a baby and your parents will relish the chance to say, “We told you so.” The lonely that leaves you fantasizing about some parallel life with a guy you didn’t even like that much — just because that guy would not have you living in a North Carolina swamp.
When my neighbor texted me, “Hey, are you doing OK?” I didn’t answer right away because I didn’t want to lie. I also couldn’t bring myself to say “No” because that felt like failure. And while admitting defeat seems pretty terrible, being rude feels worse.
I texted back: Yeah, I’m OK.
And then, moments later, I sent: No. Not really.
She replied that she couldn’t come over because her husband was gone, too, and she had two small kids: Who wants to hang out with the mom who can’t go anywhere?
(Maybe I wasn’t the only one feeling out of place.)
I typed: Have wine. Will travel.
Her response came almost immediately: Yes! Give me 15 minutes — the kids are almost in bed.
I grabbed a bottle of cheap red wine and a corkscrew and walked to her house. We talked about everything: our husbands, the lives we thought we’d live before falling in love with Marines, the ache of trying to be good wives while living lives that never stopped changing, the exhaustion of saying goodbye again and again to people, places and opportunities. We talked about how easy it is to lose your sense of self and how hard it can be to find your way back.
The next Friday, two more wives joined. It became a ritual and lifeline of sorts – until we were scattered again.
I share my story not just as a nod of recognition, but to point toward something tender and essential in what you asked: How do I hold onto my identity when everything I do is in service of his career?
As long as you continue to tie your identity to someone else’s trajectory, your sense of self will remain fragile. You’ve been trying to make it work this way, but it’s not working. Maybe it’s time to try a new way.
I encourage you to create a life that has room for you in it. You say you love your husband; it’s unclear from your letter whether the pressure to self-sacrifice is coming from him, from within you, or from an earlier story you were handed about what it means to be a good partner. Maybe it’s all three.
If it’s not coming from him, that’s great news. He might be the very person who can encourage you to reclaim a life that includes you. After all, you fell in love with each other, right? If you asked him why he fell in love with you, he probably wouldn’t say it was because he thought you’d be in full service of his career.
(If he does … well, that’s a whole other issue entirely. I’ll get to that part in a minute.)
Ask him: What did he love about you when you first met? What does he love now? Hearing his memories may jog your own. Begin there.
You may have to try a few things before you find something that feels congruent and sustainable. That’s OK. The rediscovery of self is more of a creative journey than a plan. Be gentle with yourself in the discovery process. Let inspiration, not comparison, be your guide. If your husband is supportive, talk to him about the process. Brainstorm together.
If he isn’t the safest place to land right now, or at least not at first, that doesn’t mean your journey back home to yourself has to wait. I’m going to include a list of resources, both general and branch specific, that can help support you both in your journey of discovery. You can also use some of these resources to further explore what led you to let go of your own dreams in the first place.
Military life can threaten our sense of self. But civilian life does not guarantee stability either. Friendships fade, careers shift and identities morph. The difference is that military spouses are more aware of impermanence. We are experts in the art of reinvention.
And that’s your secret weapon.
Reinvention isn’t the opposite of identity; it’s part of it. The fact that you keep reestablishing, keep trying, keep reaching tells me your sense of self isn’t gone. It’s just weary and needs to be tended to and cared for.
If your husband doesn’t support your carving out your own space in the life you’ve built together, the situation becomes less about whether you can handle military life and more about how much of yourself you are willing to sacrifice for a sense of safety, commitment or even love. The question is no longer, “Can I do this?” but, “Should I continue?” That’s a question only you can answer.
I’ll leave you with this: You can love someone deeply and still refuse to vanish for them.
Off the clock but always in your corner,
Dr. Emma
General Resources
Military OneSource: A 24/7 confidential resource for service members and their families offering free counseling, career coaching, relocation assistance and more. Includes specialty consultations on relationships, education and personal development.
Military and family life counselors: Provides free, confidential counseling to service members, their families and survivors on or near installations with fully licensed mental health providers who understand military life.
Branch-Specific Resources
These resources offer a wide range of programming for service members and military families:
Army Community Service (ACS)
Marine Corps Community Services (MCCS)
Navy Fleet and Family Support Program (NFFSP)
Air Force Military and Family Readiness Center (MFRC)
CG SUPRT (Coast Guard)
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