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It happens: Someone questions your thought process, your math or your assumptions during a meeting or a presentation. You’ve put so much work into your message and the delivery. You checked the facts, and the numbers add up. So, what’s behind them questioning you?
When someone challenges us — in private, in public or during high-stakes conversations — we can quickly tell ourselves a variety of “stories.” We may believe:
- They don’t trust that I know what I’m doing.
- They’re questioning whether I’m the right person for the job.
- They doubt I’m as good as others say.
- They hate me.
- I need to protect myself and my feelings (and ego).
That last one is particularly powerful. When we feel threatened or unsafe, and our sense of identity (tied to ego) is perceived to be attacked, it can be an all-bets-are-off situation. We come out swinging, and the other person is left confused at our reaction to their question.
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The Story We Tell Ourselves
The idea that we have internal dialogues, or narratives, is as old as time. Writer Joan Didion is credited with highlighting the term, “the stories we tell ourselves,” as she explained our mind’s way to protect us and make sense out of chaos. When situations feel threatening, confusing or unstable, our minds explain them to us by weaving a story around the events, a story that makes sense to us. For most people, the story we tell ourselves is how we stay safe in an uncertain or turbulent environment.
The problem with these stories is that they often have no basis in real events or intentions. We tell ourselves someone means to harm or ridicule us, when in fact they simply didn’t understand and questioned what we were doing. We have no way to know someone’s true intentions unless they honestly disclose this, and the stories we tell ourselves about what we’re seeing and thus feeling can lead us astray, causing us to react defensively.
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How to Respond That Isn’t Defensive
Since your reaction to a situation, comment or person is completely up to you, it’s important to get this right, especially when your first instinct is to fight back, lash out or run away. Instead, when you feel challenged and emotionally triggered:
1. Pause and Breathe
In the presence of a perceived threat, your heart rate will speed up, your breath will become shallower and your body will otherwise prepare to attack and defend. Stop this process by pausing. Take deep, slow breaths, and gain your composure.
2. Ground Yourself by Naming What You’re Experiencing
Tell yourself you’re safe. No one is coming at you to combat you. Tell yourself you can remain calm. You’re experiencing a response to a perceived threat, and it’s possible there’s no attack imminent.
3. Use ‘I’ Statements
Instead of lashing out with, “You never listen” or “You’re just undermining me,” explain your perspective in first person language. “I feel you may not understand my goal here” or “I’m feeling this conversation is going off track.” Without pointing fingers at the other person, explain what you’re interpreting.
4. Ask Open Questions
Resist the urge to defend yourself by putting the other person in the hot seat. Instead, ask them to explain. Simply asking, “Can you tell me more about that?” can reveal their intention in the conversation.
5. Listen Without Judging
This one is tricky. If you’ve calmed yourself down and can bring an open mindset, then as the other person explains their position, or what they meant to say, listen to understand, not to judge or pounce back with a retort.
Not all professionals are good communicators. Sometimes messages come out too quickly, too prematurely or too abruptly. Reacting emotionally to someone else’s lack of clear communication can damage your career and professional relationships.
Reframing what you’re hearing and telling yourself possible alternative possible stories to explain what they could intend is a valuable skill in effective communication and responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
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14 Comments
When someone challenges us, we tend to believe they don’t trust us or are questioning our abilities, as the article notes, but this is often just a story we tell ourselves, and it’s crucial to separate facts from assumptions.
I’ve found that using ‘I’ statements, as suggested in the article, really helps to express my perspective without becoming defensive, and it’s interesting to see how this simple technique can de-escalate tense conversations.
The importance of recognizing and challenging our internal narratives, as discussed in the article, cannot be overstated, as it’s a crucial step in developing more effective communication skills and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
It’s fascinating to consider how our sense of identity and ego can be tied to our reactions, as mentioned in the article, and how recognizing this connection can help us to respond more constructively, even in the face of challenging questions or criticism.
The idea that our minds explain situations to us by weaving a story around the events, as mentioned in the article, highlights how our internal dialogues can often lead us astray and cause us to react defensively, making it essential to recognize and challenge these narratives.
I’ve noticed that when I’m able to pause and breathe, as the article recommends, I’m better able to respond thoughtfully and avoid getting defensive, which has really improved my relationships and interactions with others.
The article’s discussion of how our minds explain situations to us by weaving a story around the events is a powerful reminder of the importance of staying grounded and focused, even in the face of challenging or uncertain situations.
The article’s emphasis on pausing and breathing when feeling emotionally triggered resonates with me, as I’ve experienced how taking a step back can help to calm down and respond more thoughtfully, rather than react impulsively.
When I feel challenged or emotionally triggered, I try to remind myself that the other person may not be trying to attack me, but rather is simply seeking to understand or clarify, as the article suggests, and this helps me to respond more calmly and constructively.
The article’s suggestion to use ‘I’ statements instead of making accusatory statements is really helpful, as it allows us to express our thoughts and feelings without blaming or attacking others, which can be a powerful way to build trust and understanding.
I appreciate how the article encourages us to ground ourselves by naming what we’re experiencing, which can help to reduce feelings of defensiveness and promote more constructive communication.
The article’s discussion of how our minds explain situations to us by weaving a story around the events reminds me of the concept of cognitive biases, and how being aware of these biases can help us to respond more thoughtfully and avoid unnecessary conflict.
The story we tell ourselves about a situation can indeed have no basis in real events or intentions, as the article points out, which is why it’s so important to seek clarification and ask questions before jumping to conclusions.
I completely agree, and I think this is especially important in professional settings where misunderstandings can have serious consequences, and taking the time to understand the other person’s perspective can make all the difference.